This guide gives you, whether you’re the recruiter or interviewer, the perfect advice to make a great impression (or not) in all your interviews
Disclaimer: this piece is satirical and should be regarded with a healthy dose of skepticism
Type in “job interview tips” on Google and you’ll see precisely 45,500,000 results. That’s no surprise, as thousands, if not millions, of interviewees have shared their experiences and given advice to fellow applicants, like Michael Spicer’s The Poke list of “20 essential job interview tips.”
But has anyone ever spared a thought for the bewildered recruiter? They have to figure out, with mere words, if a candidate is a good fit. Well, not to fret – here’s a list of tips for you, the neglected interviewer, to ensure you ensnare your new prey employee, whether they like it or not.
1. Tech-SavvyGeneration Y, aka “Millennials,” make up the majority of candidates. It’s important to prove to them that you are still relevant. Here’s the rub:
- Instead of shaking hands when you first meet, be sure to give them a fist bump. Don’t forget to quickly retract your hand, flutter your fingers, and make a sound effect for a satisfying fadeaway. Call them “hoss.”
- Pull out your smartphone and take a selfie with the candidate, preferably with the company logo in the background. Share it on social media and fire any staff that fail to like or upvote it.
- Conversation is outdated and unnecessary – with pliant thumbs, conduct your interview entirely through text or online chat. Don’t forget to use emojis to express approval or severe disappointment.
- It’s important to know your candidates well. Be sure to extensively stalk their Facebook or Twitter before the interview. If they’re willing, scroll through their profiles together and have them provide commentary.
- There is a fine line between being friends and being colleagues. Send a Facebook friend request to let them know you care, but change sure your profile picture to a close shot of stern, hostile eyes. This will help strike that balance.
2. Long-Term InvestmentImage source: iDJ Photography/flickr
If you’ve granted a candidate a face-to-face interview, chances are you think they’re a good fit. That means communicating that you want them to stay on long-term – maybe even the rest of their lives.
- Ask the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” while slyly smiling, nodding, and pointing underneath your chair.
- Use an app that simulates what they’ll look like in five years so they have a concrete image from which to work backwards. Then show them their wrinkled, decrepit faces in 10, 30, and even 50 years to illustrate the bleakness of life. Prey on that fear.
3. Work-Life Balance
Image source: Romer Jed Medina/flickr
Explain to your candidate that you’re not just defined by your work. Encourage them to pursue their hobbies and hone their talents. In fact, to set a good example, do one of the following to prove you lead a fulfilling life:
- Recite the entirety of Macbeth’s “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” speech in your best Scottish accent.
- Sing “Nessun dorma” a whole key higher than Pavarotti, in ringing falsetto.
- Provide the interviewee a copy of the workplace romance novel you wrote, featuring everyone in your company. Note that you left blank pages to include them.
4. Company Culture
Image source: Gary Lerude/flickr
Stress the company’s perks and benefits to entice prospective candidates. Line the interview room walls with coffee-filled mugs, tea, and cake.
- If your candidates are uptight and nervous, give them a glass of wine to help them relax. Have a glass yourself. This way, you can speak openly and honestly without worry. Limit yourself to two glasses (trust us).
LaunchPad video recruitment software makes the hiring process quick and snappy. By using pre-recorded video, you can interview any candidate anywhere in the world at any time. In this day and age, you need to be tech-savvy – so what are you waiting for?
Main image source: Gvahim/flickr