This article is intended to be a piece of satire and used for entertainment purposes only. Any semblance to good advice is purely coincidental. Enjoy!
Interviews can be frightening. We’re supposed to be cool, calm, and collected when sitting across from a potential employer, but we tend to get anxious and afraid under the pressure.
Although most interviews run smoothly, they can (and do) go wrong, as The Undercover Recruiter reminds us. To help you avoid mistakes like these, we’ve compiled a list of tips to guarantee success for any interviewee.
1. Eye Contact
Everybody knows that eye contact shows honesty, a key attribute for any job-seeker. But how much eye contact is too much?
Answer: there is no such thing as too much. Make sure that, from the second you enter the room until the second you leave, your eyes are constantly fixed on your interviewer’s.
Pro Tip: Once the interview is over, back out slowly, continuing to maintain eye contact. This will show the employer just how honest you are. Oh – and don’t forget to wink to really show you care...
The handshake is a ritual that dates back as far as ancient Greece. There’s a reason we still practice it in the professional world today – it demonstrates trust. So what can you do to maximise the trust between you and your interviewer?
Answer: With a memorable handshake. Make it short and sweet, but different. We suggest a two-handed-shake: grip the interviewer’s right hand with your right hand (the traditional handshake), then grip their left hand with your left hand. Grasp tight and shake firmly for three to five seconds before releasing. Finish the shake with a traditional business curtsy.
Pro Tip: Want to make it even more special? Try spinning your interviewer while you shake: rotate in a circle for five to ten seconds to guarantee an unforgettable start to the interview. And finish with a broad grin...
3. Dress to Impress
Every potential employer wants an employee that dresses sharp and knows it. But how will they know just how fashionable you are if the brand label isn’t printed on your suit?
Answer: You tell them. Make sure to mention each and every item of clothing on your body. Tell them what brand it is, how much it cost, and what you like about it.
Pro Tip: Don’t just make it about you – ask them who made their clothes! If they’re reluctant to tell you, they’re probably just being shy. Continue to pressure them until they give you a direct answer.
4. Keep Conversation Flowing
What do you do if you’re stuck for an answer or the room goes quiet?
Answer: Change the topic of conversation. Ask about your interviewer’s love life, favourite foods, dreams, and aspirations. If all else fails, a rendition of Elton John and Kiki Dee’s “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” is sure to prompt your interviewer to suddenly harmonise with you, resulting in a duet so swelling and dramatic that everyone forgets you can’t actually speak Mandarin.
Pro Tip: If there are multiple interviewers, try singing something a little more inclusive like “Auld Lang Syne” (and make sure to link arms).
Pro Elite Tip: If all else fails, feign fainting.
5. Get a Feel for the Energy
Positive energy is important in the modern workplace. What better way to show you’re in the loop than to assess the spectral energy of the room? Be honest! If you feel an influx of darkness or the presence of an evil entity, tell the employer: they will respect your courtesy and your mastery of the spirit world.
Pro Tip: If you feel the room layout does not maximise positive energy, make some adjustments. Burning sage and overturning cubicles are both effective strategies for casting out most office ghosts. If the employer questions what you’re doing, simply tell them, “I’m banishing the bad spirits” – everyone appreciates an employee who’s willing to start working before they even get the job.
6. Long Words
Use as many long words as you possibly can to impress and confuse the employer. They will assume you are intellectually superior and will be forced to hire you.
Pro Tip: If you run out of long words to use, make some up: the employer won’t notice and you will appear even more intellectual. Try telling them you are extremely “successfulistic” or that you strongly believe in “ambitionolism.”
Now You’re Ready!
By following these six tips, you’re guaranteed to have a successful interview. If you’re an employer looking for quality talent, but you’re too busy to sing “Danny Boy” four or five times a day, LaunchPad Recruits offers a viable alternative: a sleek and simple online video screening service.
It’s like a regular interview, but with pre-recorded questions so that you and your candidate can get to know one another without the hassle of scheduling. With the ability to replay the interviews at your discretion and effortlessly compare responses, your company will be finding better talent with less effort.